Lamb Bacon, Wild Boar bacon, Bacon Flavored beer: Everything bacon

What is up with America’s obsession with bacon? Is bacon a food or is it a drug? Not everything needs to be turned into or wrapped with bacon.  If you decide that everything you eat must have bacon on it or in it, then you may need some sort of bacon related rehab. Because, everything bacon is not at all healthy for you.

I went over to a friend’s house, who is obsessed with homemade bacon. Well, this weekend, she decides to have a lovely homemade bacon party. I fully expected a few things to just be wrapped in bacon. However, she decided to step it up a notch and take the party into a whole other disturbing level.

Next to the TV sat an assortment of wild boar bacon and lamb bacon.  How that is made is a mystery to me. However, I could have survived not knowing that Wild Boar bacon and lamb bacon actually exist.  People in the party complained that the wild boar bacon and lamb bacon tasted differently than regular pork bacon. I guess they have a very refined bacon pallet. Bacon, no matter the animal, to me just tastes like salt and grease.

After the Wild Boar bacon and lamb bacon, she decided to make some bacon brownies and bacon ice cream.  The bacon brownies were okay; however, the bacon ice cream tasted really quite foul. I wouldn’t eat chicken ice cream so why am I eating bacon ice cream. My friend also told me that she had a variety of bacon dessert recipes that she wanted to share with me so that I could make some at home for my children. Do I want my kids to have high blood pressure by the age of 8? I’m not feeding them any of this!

To top it all off, there was bacon flavored beer and bacon flavored vodka. Again, why is that necessary? Alcohol is great all by itself! Why must you mess it up by infusing it with bacon? That should be against the law. Again, I wouldn’t drink shrimp flavored vodka. Why would I really want to drink bacon flavored?

By the end of the night, I wanted to throw up. I kept tasting the wild boar bacon mixed with the lamb bacon while I burped from the beer flavored bacon. Look, I understand. To some, bacon tastes fantastic. The crispiness and saltiness of homemade bacon is practically orgasmic. But, items such as homemade bacon ice cream and bacon brownies are really taking it to a whole other level.

Step away from the bacon. ..try eating a salad.

Avoid that Exploding Potato in the Microwave! Quit that Terrible Job

Have you ever hated a job so much that you wish some giant boulder would fall on your cubicle? Well, my current terrible job is turning me into a bitter, disgruntled, and slightly stupid person.  I used to be a smart girl. Well, I used to have average intelligence, above average if I lived in Mississippi.  Now, I think I lose 25 brain cells a day working around my coworkers at my terrible job.

The other day, some fool tried to cook a potato for ten minutes in the lunchroom. Guess what happened?  Suddenly there was an exploding potato in the microwave.  He stood dumbfounded, wondering why his potato suddenly exploded. Must have been a defective potato.

Yet, despite the hot potato incident, I have to sort his damn mail. Why? Well, because he has a pretty full plate, trying to figure out how to work his stapler.  I’m a firm believer that when you work around dumb, you get dumber. It happens, by osmosis or something, because the other day I seriously contemplated making a drink mixed with tequila and chardonnay. After coming back to reality, I realized that drinking a whiskey and coke at my desk would be a smarter option.

I am sick of constantly being asked to do bullshit that is totally not in my terrible job description. It sucks and I am not going to do it anymore. Sure, I am happy to have a terrible job, but at what cost?  At this point, I’d rather work at Taco Bell than have to work around this cast of characters any longer. Well, probably not Taco Bell because that place is disgusting, but I could definitely rock a hair net at Burger King. They could hire me to watch out for every exploding potato in the microwave.

It’s a New Year and it’s time for us all to make new decisions in life. It’s time for those who have been looking for employment, to finally get a job in 2013. It’s also time for those of us who have terrible jobs, to give the boss the middle finger, and find some other way to make a living.

If not, well then, watch out an exploding potato in the microwave.  

Beat Him, Jesus

It is yet another dysfunctional day on the Westside, where the birds seem to never out churp the hum of the Mercedes zooming up the mountain road.

As the moon emerges and after I manage to drag my economy sized car up the mountain road, I find myself standing in your typical, 8000 square foot house equip with flat screen TV’s, designer furniture,  undocumented maids, and  enough organic food to adequately feed one Ethiopian.

As I walk into the kitchen, it takes no time for me to realize, the mom has no idea where her kids are. She also exerts minimal effort to see if they are still in the house or even alive. Her only comment to me is “I haven’t seen them in hours. Maybe they are downstairs somewhere. Why don’t you go and look?” So tonight I’m not only a tutor but also a detective.

I go downstairs and after recovering from the pungent smell of dog pee, I walk into quite the peculiar situation. In the study, in between the Mac computer and a sweaty school uniform, this boy is beating his younger brother with a cross. Yes, a cross, like the cross of Jesus, which  was hanging on the wall but had been pulled off in a fit of rage.

After I told the child to stop beating his brother, I wondered a few things. Of all the objects in the room, why did the boy decide it was best to beat his little brother with a cross?  Was there nothing else he could have used to beat his younger brother with? I see a few belts on the ground. I see lots of cords. I see lots of books. Why not use those objects instead of a cross if you are going to resort to that sort of rough justice? 

Here’s a word of advice for all parent of kids on the Westside. When kids come home from school, you unfortunately have to watch them. You cannot let them run wild in your 8000 square foot houses.  If you do, you know what happens? They do stupid shit like beat their brother with a religious artifact. Talk to them regularly. Explain to them right from wrong. Eventually they will learn to not use a cross to beat their brother, when there’s a small chair nearby.

Attention Ivy League Porn Stars: Become An Academic Tutor for a Family in West Los Angeles

Apply to be an academic tutor on the Westside of Los Angeles! It’s really a very glamorous job! Definitely more glamorous than working as  Hollywood hooker or an Ivy League Porn Star

We won’t provide health insurance.

We won’t pay travel time or gas.

And when you get sick, we won’t pay you sick time or send you a card.

But what we will do is provide you with plenty of dysfunctional wealthy Los Angeles families with a plethora of issues, very little patience, and children who haven’t heard of terms such as patience, accountability, work ethic or integrity.

And for every client we find for you, we will take 50% to 60% of your hourly salary for “administrative costs”. But don’t worry, there’s an upside!  Since our clientele is located on the Westside, all of our academic tutoring clients will be diagnosed with ADD. But don’t you worry they will be on medication that will wear off exactly 15 minutes before you arrive!

When your clients become unbearable and you need us to mediate the situation, we will play both sides of the field! Hooray! We will trash the client to your face, and meanwhile suck up to the client behind your back.  You’ll never find out, we promise!

And the best part about the position, you’ll never need to take a bath because every house you tutor at has a dog that will jump on you, piss on you, and breathe on you with their hot nasty breath. And when they are done, they will lick you clean with their slimy tongues!

And you will diversify your vocabulary by learning words like bitch, cunt, whore, Hollywood Hooker, Ivy League Porn star, and slut because these are only but a few of the words you’ll hear some of the kids call their mothers, nannies and maybe even you!

If you are smarter than the average American yet have the abuse tolerance of a Hollywood hooker or an Ivy Leauge Porn star, then come on in, apply for the job of academic tutor. We promise you will love it!

Welcome to the Academic Tutoring World!

Welcome to the Academic Tutoring World! D in Algebra Best Alcohol Shot

If you’re lucky you’ll get a student who is just getting a D in Algebra. If you are unlucky you will get a client who is getting a D in Algebra, is addicted to meth, drinks vodka out of a water bottle every day at school, and his a habitual liar. If you are lucky you will get parents who care. If you are unlucky, you’ll be pulled into contentious divorces and experience parents who reward failing grades with credit cards and fancy Range Rovers, Bentley’s and Mercedes. If you are lucky, you’ll get kids who speak to their parents with no profanity. If you are not, you’ll hear a lot of “Mom you’re a bitch” and “fuck you dad”. On rare occasions you may even hear someone refer to their sister as a cunt or their brother as a dick. If you need extra cash because you are unemployed, try academic tutoring.

Then, every night come home and try the best alcohol shot:

D in Algebra Best Alcohol Shot

1 Part 100 Proof Peppermint Schnapps
1 Part Jagermeister
1 Part Tequila
1 Part 151 Proof Rum

It will help you forget your ridiculous students. It will also help you forget your name.

To Family, Friends, Moochers and Freeloaders

Do you work for free? Neither do I! Yes, I can offer a discount but tutoring and educational consulting is how I make a living. I don’t care if you are my cousin. I don’t care if your husband won’t approve of my pricing for tutoring. I don’t care if you wiped my ass when I was 3 months old. I don’t care if I threw up on you at two. I don’t even particularly care if you cried at my graduation from college. Do you know what I do care about? Paying my damn rent! Eating three meals a day! Paying my student loans. So if your bad ass child needs tutoring, don’t call me expecting to receive free tutoring services. At most, I will offer you a ten dollar discount. If you don’t like it, find another tutor. I so don’t give a shit.

If you are broke....

I get it. It's a bad economy! We are all struggling. But there is nothing that pisses me off more than someone who will not pull their own weight and uses others, especially in a bad economy. I see it all the time on Judge Judy and it pisses me off. You know what bothers me more? Those dumbfucks who let it happen. So, here is a short guide for those who manage fall victim to gold diggers and parasites.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I don't have any cash on me or I left my money in the car". Just leave them on the sidewalk behind the velvet rope and go into the club by yourself. Don't even feel guilty about it.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I'll pay for your drinks next time." Just leave the fool thirsty. If you don't have any money, then your ass should be looking for a job, not your next drink.

Don't repeatedly pay for someone's meal. Top Ramen is 10 cents and if you are broke, then that's what the hell you should be eating. Nice restaurants are for people who have money, not broke people with a pallete for oysters.

Don't pay for anyone's rent, mortgage or car note. It's okay if it's once but it's just dumb if you do it all the time. They sell bus passes at all supermarkets. Everyone can go behind any store and get a cardboard box and call that home.

Do not put anyone on your cellphone plan. Most people who can't get their own cellphone usually have bad credit. If they won't pay Verizon, then they won't pay you. You will get screwed eventually and you will feel dumb when the scumbag doesn't pay for the phone calls he or she has made to phone sex operators, prostitutes, sluts, and their secret probation officer.

Don't pay for anyone's plane ticket expecting them to pay you back! If it's a family emergency, that's one thing, but if you are paying for someone to go to Jamaica, you are a dumbass if you think that person will pay you back. If you can't afford to pay for your vacation, then why the hell are you going? Just buy them a poster of Jamaica, and put that shit up in their cardboard box.

Lastly, unless you are related to them, don't let anyone move in to your house. They won't ever pay. They won't ever get a job. They won't ever leave. You'll be stuck with the person on your couch, eating your balony and soaking up your electricity. And it makes it easier for them to find you and ask you money for the club, their cellphone, and money for their car note.