To Family, Friends, Moochers and Freeloaders

Do you work for free? Neither do I! Yes, I can offer a discount but tutoring and educational consulting is how I make a living. I don’t care if you are my cousin. I don’t care if your husband won’t approve of my pricing for tutoring. I don’t care if you wiped my ass when I was 3 months old. I don’t care if I threw up on you at two. I don’t even particularly care if you cried at my graduation from college. Do you know what I do care about? Paying my damn rent! Eating three meals a day! Paying my student loans. So if your bad ass child needs tutoring, don’t call me expecting to receive free tutoring services. At most, I will offer you a ten dollar discount. If you don’t like it, find another tutor. I so don’t give a shit.

If you are broke....

I get it. It's a bad economy! We are all struggling. But there is nothing that pisses me off more than someone who will not pull their own weight and uses others, especially in a bad economy. I see it all the time on Judge Judy and it pisses me off. You know what bothers me more? Those dumbfucks who let it happen. So, here is a short guide for those who manage fall victim to gold diggers and parasites.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I don't have any cash on me or I left my money in the car". Just leave them on the sidewalk behind the velvet rope and go into the club by yourself. Don't even feel guilty about it.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I'll pay for your drinks next time." Just leave the fool thirsty. If you don't have any money, then your ass should be looking for a job, not your next drink.

Don't repeatedly pay for someone's meal. Top Ramen is 10 cents and if you are broke, then that's what the hell you should be eating. Nice restaurants are for people who have money, not broke people with a pallete for oysters.

Don't pay for anyone's rent, mortgage or car note. It's okay if it's once but it's just dumb if you do it all the time. They sell bus passes at all supermarkets. Everyone can go behind any store and get a cardboard box and call that home.

Do not put anyone on your cellphone plan. Most people who can't get their own cellphone usually have bad credit. If they won't pay Verizon, then they won't pay you. You will get screwed eventually and you will feel dumb when the scumbag doesn't pay for the phone calls he or she has made to phone sex operators, prostitutes, sluts, and their secret probation officer.

Don't pay for anyone's plane ticket expecting them to pay you back! If it's a family emergency, that's one thing, but if you are paying for someone to go to Jamaica, you are a dumbass if you think that person will pay you back. If you can't afford to pay for your vacation, then why the hell are you going? Just buy them a poster of Jamaica, and put that shit up in their cardboard box.

Lastly, unless you are related to them, don't let anyone move in to your house. They won't ever pay. They won't ever get a job. They won't ever leave. You'll be stuck with the person on your couch, eating your balony and soaking up your electricity. And it makes it easier for them to find you and ask you money for the club, their cellphone, and money for their car note.

Gas is High! Bring your Bottle to the Bar!

Okay so I read some story which stated that nationwide, the average cost of gas has now topped $4 dollars a gallon. I wish I could find some gas for $4! In my area, gas is $4.50. So, being broke and having tremendously poor work ethic, I have had to substantially alter my lifestyle to deal with the rising gas prices. Here are the 10 ways my life has changed since gas prices have risen:

1.Instead of traveling, I must drink at the dive bars down the street from my house. Sometimes, I just bring a bottle into the dive bar and start guzzling it at a table, to save money.
2.I can no longer afford to use air conditioning in my car, which means I show up to work and other places hot, sweaty and sticky.
3.I only drive to work and back. And, since my car loan is like 9 times my salary, I should just stay home and suck up air.
4.I seriously contemplated driving my bike from LA to Las Vegas.
5.I can no longer afford to get my plastic surgery, so I must continue to resort to socks.
6.I have decided to take the “how to be a gold digger” seminar at the local junior college.
7.I can only afford to eat top ramen. Occasionally I treat myself to bean burritos from Taco Hell.
8.Twice this month, I’ve had to push my car home.
9.I just bought gas off the black market the other day. Apparently it fell off the back of someone’s truck.
10.I have started to beg for loose change.

The night is still young...

Try a pickle juice margarita...

Dill Pickle Juice Can Be Very Useful!

If you are a country hick, this is the shot for you...

For all you alcoholics out there, here's a recipe that you would enjoy! I know, it sounds a bit vile, but trust me, it tastes just like chicken. Yum, alcohol and pickle juice!

Shot of tequila with a dill pickle juice shot chaser!

1 oz Tequila
1 oz dill pickle juice

or

Jameson and pickle juice shot
1 oz Jameson
1oz dill pickle juice

*Note*
1. Don't be a fool. Use dill pickle juice, not sweet pickle juice.
2. This is an AT HOME shot. Don't go to some super trendy Hollywood night club, asking for Jameson and pickle juice shot or a tequila with a dill pickle juice chaser. They will tell you to take your ass back to Louisiana.

It's the weekend, you are a drunk, get your drink on!

I'd rather sleep with Flavor Flav than be forced to watch Living Lohan again

Okay, so since I was unable to post bail because I am broke and unemployed, I remain in jail. As part of my punishment, I was thrown into solitary confinement, because for obvious reasons pickles are harassed in general population. My magnificent living quarters contain a lumpy bed bugged ridden bed and an old black and white TV. Roaches, rats and blood covered the floor. As part of my punishment, the guard informed me that at 10:00pm my TV would automatically turn on and I would be forced to watch whatever show was on the channel. At first, this didn’t seem like any sort of punishment. Boy was I wrong.

So that night I heard the alarm, and like everyone in solitary confinement, I did as I was told. I walked over and turned on the TV. And what appeared? Living Lohan, the reality TV show which follows Lindsay Lohan’s mother and siblings around. At first I thought I was on the wrong channel or that the guards were joking when they said I was required to watch this show. But, as I listened I noticed that everyone else in solitary was tuned into the same channel. Unfortunately, I was on the right station.
I’ve had a few ulcers in my life and have slammed a few fingers into doors. I’ve even walked into a few mailboxes and a few people have tried to make me into relish a few times. But never have I ever been in as much pain as I was in while watching Living Lohan. And I wasn’t alone. The guy next to me, started to violently weep and the guy across from me started to bang his head into the door. And, the guy two doors down from me. Well, he must have been in jail long enough to see the beginning of the season and the terribleness of the show must have really worn him down because during a commercial break, he demanded the electric chair.

So what did the pickle do? Well, I requested that the TV be removed and after the officers laughed at me, they informed me that they could not do that. In fact, I would be forced to watch the show every day until I was released from jail. So I immediately called my lawyer and told him I would plead guilty to all charges, whether it be disorderly conduct or prostitution. I didn’t care. I wanted out. So, today I have a hearing to confess to a crime I didn’t commit, just to not be forced to watch another episode of this awful show.

Walking into a mail box can get you arrested!

As I was walking to the mental clinic yesterday, past a drunk guy puking on the sidewalk, I looked forward and noticed LAPD, slamming some guy into the dirty pavement. The cop was slapping handcuffs on the poor guy's wrists and digging his boot into the guy's dumbo ear. He was being arrested for jaywalking.

So, as I was observing the situation and not paying attention to where I was going, I walked right into a metal mailbox. I hit the pavement with a big giant thud. A bunch of people passing by started violently pointing and laughing at me and one threw a beer bottle at my fat head.

Then the same LA cop walked away from the guy and started to venture toward me. I thought he was going to see if I was okay. But, he ended up arresting me...for disturbing the peace and disorderly conduct.

And since there are no jails for fickle pickles, I am being held in a small jar, awaiting trial.

Life is hard