Beat Him, Jesus

It is yet another dysfunctional day on the Westside, where the birds seem to never out churp the hum of the Mercedes zooming up the mountain road.

As the moon emerges and after I manage to drag my economy sized car up the mountain road, I find myself standing in your typical, 8000 square foot house equip with flat screen TV’s, designer furniture,  undocumented maids, and  enough organic food to adequately feed one Ethiopian.

As I walk into the kitchen, it takes no time for me to realize, the mom has no idea where her kids are. She also exerts minimal effort to see if they are still in the house or even alive. Her only comment to me is “I haven’t seen them in hours. Maybe they are downstairs somewhere. Why don’t you go and look?” So tonight I’m not only a tutor but also a detective.

I go downstairs and after recovering from the pungent smell of dog pee, I walk into quite the peculiar situation. In the study, in between the Mac computer and a sweaty school uniform, this boy is beating his younger brother with a cross. Yes, a cross, like the cross of Jesus, which  was hanging on the wall but had been pulled off in a fit of rage.

After I told the child to stop beating his brother, I wondered a few things. Of all the objects in the room, why did the boy decide it was best to beat his little brother with a cross?  Was there nothing else he could have used to beat his younger brother with? I see a few belts on the ground. I see lots of cords. I see lots of books. Why not use those objects instead of a cross if you are going to resort to that sort of rough justice? 

Here’s a word of advice for all parent of kids on the Westside. When kids come home from school, you unfortunately have to watch them. You cannot let them run wild in your 8000 square foot houses.  If you do, you know what happens? They do stupid shit like beat their brother with a religious artifact. Talk to them regularly. Explain to them right from wrong. Eventually they will learn to not use a cross to beat their brother, when there’s a small chair nearby.

Attention Ivy League Porn Stars: Become An Academic Tutor for a Family in West Los Angeles

Apply to be an academic tutor on the Westside of Los Angeles! It’s really a very glamorous job! Definitely more glamorous than working as  Hollywood hooker or an Ivy League Porn Star

We won’t provide health insurance.

We won’t pay travel time or gas.

And when you get sick, we won’t pay you sick time or send you a card.

But what we will do is provide you with plenty of dysfunctional wealthy Los Angeles families with a plethora of issues, very little patience, and children who haven’t heard of terms such as patience, accountability, work ethic or integrity.

And for every client we find for you, we will take 50% to 60% of your hourly salary for “administrative costs”. But don’t worry, there’s an upside!  Since our clientele is located on the Westside, all of our academic tutoring clients will be diagnosed with ADD. But don’t you worry they will be on medication that will wear off exactly 15 minutes before you arrive!

When your clients become unbearable and you need us to mediate the situation, we will play both sides of the field! Hooray! We will trash the client to your face, and meanwhile suck up to the client behind your back.  You’ll never find out, we promise!

And the best part about the position, you’ll never need to take a bath because every house you tutor at has a dog that will jump on you, piss on you, and breathe on you with their hot nasty breath. And when they are done, they will lick you clean with their slimy tongues!

And you will diversify your vocabulary by learning words like bitch, cunt, whore, Hollywood Hooker, Ivy League Porn star, and slut because these are only but a few of the words you’ll hear some of the kids call their mothers, nannies and maybe even you!

If you are smarter than the average American yet have the abuse tolerance of a Hollywood hooker or an Ivy Leauge Porn star, then come on in, apply for the job of academic tutor. We promise you will love it!

Welcome to the Academic Tutoring World!

Welcome to the Academic Tutoring World! D in Algebra Best Alcohol Shot

If you’re lucky you’ll get a student who is just getting a D in Algebra. If you are unlucky you will get a client who is getting a D in Algebra, is addicted to meth, drinks vodka out of a water bottle every day at school, and his a habitual liar. If you are lucky you will get parents who care. If you are unlucky, you’ll be pulled into contentious divorces and experience parents who reward failing grades with credit cards and fancy Range Rovers, Bentley’s and Mercedes. If you are lucky, you’ll get kids who speak to their parents with no profanity. If you are not, you’ll hear a lot of “Mom you’re a bitch” and “fuck you dad”. On rare occasions you may even hear someone refer to their sister as a cunt or their brother as a dick. If you need extra cash because you are unemployed, try academic tutoring.

Then, every night come home and try the best alcohol shot:

D in Algebra Best Alcohol Shot

1 Part 100 Proof Peppermint Schnapps
1 Part Jagermeister
1 Part Tequila
1 Part 151 Proof Rum

It will help you forget your ridiculous students. It will also help you forget your name.

To Family, Friends, Moochers and Freeloaders

Do you work for free? Neither do I! Yes, I can offer a discount but tutoring and educational consulting is how I make a living. I don’t care if you are my cousin. I don’t care if your husband won’t approve of my pricing for tutoring. I don’t care if you wiped my ass when I was 3 months old. I don’t care if I threw up on you at two. I don’t even particularly care if you cried at my graduation from college. Do you know what I do care about? Paying my damn rent! Eating three meals a day! Paying my student loans. So if your bad ass child needs tutoring, don’t call me expecting to receive free tutoring services. At most, I will offer you a ten dollar discount. If you don’t like it, find another tutor. I so don’t give a shit.

If you are broke....

I get it. It's a bad economy! We are all struggling. But there is nothing that pisses me off more than someone who will not pull their own weight and uses others, especially in a bad economy. I see it all the time on Judge Judy and it pisses me off. You know what bothers me more? Those dumbfucks who let it happen. So, here is a short guide for those who manage fall victim to gold diggers and parasites.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I don't have any cash on me or I left my money in the car". Just leave them on the sidewalk behind the velvet rope and go into the club by yourself. Don't even feel guilty about it.

Don't repeatedly fall for the line "I'll pay for your drinks next time." Just leave the fool thirsty. If you don't have any money, then your ass should be looking for a job, not your next drink.

Don't repeatedly pay for someone's meal. Top Ramen is 10 cents and if you are broke, then that's what the hell you should be eating. Nice restaurants are for people who have money, not broke people with a pallete for oysters.

Don't pay for anyone's rent, mortgage or car note. It's okay if it's once but it's just dumb if you do it all the time. They sell bus passes at all supermarkets. Everyone can go behind any store and get a cardboard box and call that home.

Do not put anyone on your cellphone plan. Most people who can't get their own cellphone usually have bad credit. If they won't pay Verizon, then they won't pay you. You will get screwed eventually and you will feel dumb when the scumbag doesn't pay for the phone calls he or she has made to phone sex operators, prostitutes, sluts, and their secret probation officer.

Don't pay for anyone's plane ticket expecting them to pay you back! If it's a family emergency, that's one thing, but if you are paying for someone to go to Jamaica, you are a dumbass if you think that person will pay you back. If you can't afford to pay for your vacation, then why the hell are you going? Just buy them a poster of Jamaica, and put that shit up in their cardboard box.

Lastly, unless you are related to them, don't let anyone move in to your house. They won't ever pay. They won't ever get a job. They won't ever leave. You'll be stuck with the person on your couch, eating your balony and soaking up your electricity. And it makes it easier for them to find you and ask you money for the club, their cellphone, and money for their car note.

Gas is High! Bring your Bottle to the Bar!

Okay so I read some story which stated that nationwide, the average cost of gas has now topped $4 dollars a gallon. I wish I could find some gas for $4! In my area, gas is $4.50. So, being broke and having tremendously poor work ethic, I have had to substantially alter my lifestyle to deal with the rising gas prices. Here are the 10 ways my life has changed since gas prices have risen:

1.Instead of traveling, I must drink at the dive bars down the street from my house. Sometimes, I just bring a bottle into the dive bar and start guzzling it at a table, to save money.
2.I can no longer afford to use air conditioning in my car, which means I show up to work and other places hot, sweaty and sticky.
3.I only drive to work and back. And, since my car loan is like 9 times my salary, I should just stay home and suck up air.
4.I seriously contemplated driving my bike from LA to Las Vegas.
5.I can no longer afford to get my plastic surgery, so I must continue to resort to socks.
6.I have decided to take the “how to be a gold digger” seminar at the local junior college.
7.I can only afford to eat top ramen. Occasionally I treat myself to bean burritos from Taco Hell.
8.Twice this month, I’ve had to push my car home.
9.I just bought gas off the black market the other day. Apparently it fell off the back of someone’s truck.
10.I have started to beg for loose change.

The night is still young...

Try a pickle juice margarita...