Lamb Bacon, Wild Boar bacon, Bacon Flavored beer: Everything bacon

What is up with America’s obsession with bacon? Is bacon a food or is it a drug? Not everything needs to be turned into or wrapped with bacon.  If you decide that everything you eat must have bacon on it or in it, then you may need some sort of bacon related rehab. Because, everything bacon is not at all healthy for you.

I went over to a friend’s house, who is obsessed with homemade bacon. Well, this weekend, she decides to have a lovely homemade bacon party. I fully expected a few things to just be wrapped in bacon. However, she decided to step it up a notch and take the party into a whole other disturbing level.

Next to the TV sat an assortment of wild boar bacon and lamb bacon.  How that is made is a mystery to me. However, I could have survived not knowing that Wild Boar bacon and lamb bacon actually exist.  People in the party complained that the wild boar bacon and lamb bacon tasted differently than regular pork bacon. I guess they have a very refined bacon pallet. Bacon, no matter the animal, to me just tastes like salt and grease.

After the Wild Boar bacon and lamb bacon, she decided to make some bacon brownies and bacon ice cream.  The bacon brownies were okay; however, the bacon ice cream tasted really quite foul. I wouldn’t eat chicken ice cream so why am I eating bacon ice cream. My friend also told me that she had a variety of bacon dessert recipes that she wanted to share with me so that I could make some at home for my children. Do I want my kids to have high blood pressure by the age of 8? I’m not feeding them any of this!

To top it all off, there was bacon flavored beer and bacon flavored vodka. Again, why is that necessary? Alcohol is great all by itself! Why must you mess it up by infusing it with bacon? That should be against the law. Again, I wouldn’t drink shrimp flavored vodka. Why would I really want to drink bacon flavored?

By the end of the night, I wanted to throw up. I kept tasting the wild boar bacon mixed with the lamb bacon while I burped from the beer flavored bacon. Look, I understand. To some, bacon tastes fantastic. The crispiness and saltiness of homemade bacon is practically orgasmic. But, items such as homemade bacon ice cream and bacon brownies are really taking it to a whole other level.

Step away from the bacon. ..try eating a salad.

Avoid that Exploding Potato in the Microwave! Quit that Terrible Job

Have you ever hated a job so much that you wish some giant boulder would fall on your cubicle? Well, my current terrible job is turning me into a bitter, disgruntled, and slightly stupid person.  I used to be a smart girl. Well, I used to have average intelligence, above average if I lived in Mississippi.  Now, I think I lose 25 brain cells a day working around my coworkers at my terrible job.

The other day, some fool tried to cook a potato for ten minutes in the lunchroom. Guess what happened?  Suddenly there was an exploding potato in the microwave.  He stood dumbfounded, wondering why his potato suddenly exploded. Must have been a defective potato.

Yet, despite the hot potato incident, I have to sort his damn mail. Why? Well, because he has a pretty full plate, trying to figure out how to work his stapler.  I’m a firm believer that when you work around dumb, you get dumber. It happens, by osmosis or something, because the other day I seriously contemplated making a drink mixed with tequila and chardonnay. After coming back to reality, I realized that drinking a whiskey and coke at my desk would be a smarter option.

I am sick of constantly being asked to do bullshit that is totally not in my terrible job description. It sucks and I am not going to do it anymore. Sure, I am happy to have a terrible job, but at what cost?  At this point, I’d rather work at Taco Bell than have to work around this cast of characters any longer. Well, probably not Taco Bell because that place is disgusting, but I could definitely rock a hair net at Burger King. They could hire me to watch out for every exploding potato in the microwave.

It’s a New Year and it’s time for us all to make new decisions in life. It’s time for those who have been looking for employment, to finally get a job in 2013. It’s also time for those of us who have terrible jobs, to give the boss the middle finger, and find some other way to make a living.

If not, well then, watch out an exploding potato in the microwave.