In rush hour, normally it takes the Super Fickle Pickle like two hours to go from snooty ass Brentwood to dirty ass Hollywood. When the Super Fickle Pickle hopped in her dirty car to prepare for the long journey and she was amazed. It took her fifteen minutes to get through Beverly Hills and Bel Aire and twenty minutes to drive all the way to Hollywood.
So, I had to wonder, why was there light traffic that day? What was so special about today? And then I thought about it? It’s St. Patrick’s Day.
So did people actually skip work on St Patrick’s Day or did they leave early? And are there that many Irish people in LA or are there just a bunch of people who like to drink, no matter the occasion? And, those who left work early, what were the excuses they gave to their bosses? Did they say they had the flu? A cold? Malaria?
It’s interesting because I understand light traffic on Veterans Day or Memorial Day but light traffic on St. Patrick’s Day is certainly odd.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
No More Talking to Myself...I Now Have Ernie
Apparently everyone has a problem with me talking to myself. Apparently, my friends think that sort of behavior is peculiar. Since clearly I am one who succumbs to peer pressure, I decided to break my addiction and stop talking to myself. And how has it been? Difficult! Impossible actually.
I tried talking to random strangers but that can be dangerous, especially since I live in Hollywood. And, I tried talking to my family but all they want to talk about is how I need to commit myself to the Hollywood Mental Institution. That’s not fun to talk about. I tried talking to the wall but it didn’t really respond back very often.
So, I decided to go to the store and get a plant. Plants are living things so technically I am talking to something that breathes. Plus, no matter what I talk about, the plant can never move. We had great conversations about everything such as current events, food, and fashion. He even helped resolve a few disputes I was having with my feuding imaginary friends. We talked about everything.
So, I decided that since my plant and I were becoming such good friends, he needed a super duper special name. So after careful consideration, I decided to name it Ernie, after of course my favorite Sesame Street character. Hours after naming it Ernie, my plant wilted up and died. So now I’m stuck talking to the wall, wishing that I had named the high maintenance plant Elmo.
Life is hard.
I tried talking to random strangers but that can be dangerous, especially since I live in Hollywood. And, I tried talking to my family but all they want to talk about is how I need to commit myself to the Hollywood Mental Institution. That’s not fun to talk about. I tried talking to the wall but it didn’t really respond back very often.
So, I decided to go to the store and get a plant. Plants are living things so technically I am talking to something that breathes. Plus, no matter what I talk about, the plant can never move. We had great conversations about everything such as current events, food, and fashion. He even helped resolve a few disputes I was having with my feuding imaginary friends. We talked about everything.
So, I decided that since my plant and I were becoming such good friends, he needed a super duper special name. So after careful consideration, I decided to name it Ernie, after of course my favorite Sesame Street character. Hours after naming it Ernie, my plant wilted up and died. So now I’m stuck talking to the wall, wishing that I had named the high maintenance plant Elmo.
Life is hard.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Tomatoes and Weddings Don't Mix
My friend is getting married and I promised to sit in the front row and cause a ruckus during the ceremony. During the entire wedding I was thinking I could do a bunch of stuff like sexually harass her future husband, bring a bottle of vodka into the church and have a few shots. I could steal the flowers from the flower girl, hide the ring from the ring bearer. I could even throw darts at her brides maids. She laughed. I guess the thought of me tormenting her wedding party was funny to her.
Then I said I could bring a few extremely ripe tomatoes and throw them at her instead of rice. For some reason, the thought of me doing that seriously upset her. She even asked for her invitation back.
So I can apparently torment her entire wedding party but I can’t torment her? That seems a bit unfair doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to have a white dress with tomato juice all over it? It would make for a great story to tell the kids. I don’t understand why she was being so unreasonable.
Oh well, I’ll probably show up and bring the tomatoes anyways.
Then I said I could bring a few extremely ripe tomatoes and throw them at her instead of rice. For some reason, the thought of me doing that seriously upset her. She even asked for her invitation back.
So I can apparently torment her entire wedding party but I can’t torment her? That seems a bit unfair doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to have a white dress with tomato juice all over it? It would make for a great story to tell the kids. I don’t understand why she was being so unreasonable.
Oh well, I’ll probably show up and bring the tomatoes anyways.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Laughing at Babies
Two year olds are usually cute, especially if they don’t belong to you. Today I saw the cutest kid doing nothing except running in a circle. He kept running and running and running until he eventually hit a wall. He didn’t run out of gas. The two year old actually hit a white wall and fell like a brick to the ground.
So here is my question: is it wrong to laugh kids? Seeing him fly into the wall was actually the funniest thing I’ve seen in a really long time. Sure, he was crying and yeah he had the biggest knot on his fat head. But is it wrong to laugh? Two year olds laugh at me all the time. Why can’t I laugh at them?
So I’ll just tell you how this torrid story ends. I ended up laughing at the clumsy kid and the two year old began to cry harder. And, then the Super Fickle Pickle was escorted out of the store for mocking the kid and causing a ruckus. It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?
So here is my question: is it wrong to laugh kids? Seeing him fly into the wall was actually the funniest thing I’ve seen in a really long time. Sure, he was crying and yeah he had the biggest knot on his fat head. But is it wrong to laugh? Two year olds laugh at me all the time. Why can’t I laugh at them?
So I’ll just tell you how this torrid story ends. I ended up laughing at the clumsy kid and the two year old began to cry harder. And, then the Super Fickle Pickle was escorted out of the store for mocking the kid and causing a ruckus. It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Should I Peg the Kid in the Head?
“I bet I can throw this apple at that tree over there.”
“Which tree?”
“The tree over there with the Super Fickle Pickle sitting beside it.”
“Over there? That’s not that far away! I bet I can also!”
“Let’s try! Whoever misses has to buy the other ice cream.”
“Okay one, two, three…”
And, this is one of the reasons why I hate little kids. They do stupid stuff like try and hit trees with apples and oranges. And do you know what always happens? They miss the tree. And, you know what else happens? They always manage to hit the Super Fickle Pickle. And, do they come over and apologize? No. Do they offer to buy the Super Fickle Pickle ice cream after pelting her in the head? No. But do you know what they always do? Run in the opposite direction. So this is why I hate little kids. And, this is the reason why I am investing in an apple and orange grove. To peg them in the head before they peg me.
“Which tree?”
“The tree over there with the Super Fickle Pickle sitting beside it.”
“Over there? That’s not that far away! I bet I can also!”
“Let’s try! Whoever misses has to buy the other ice cream.”
“Okay one, two, three…”
And, this is one of the reasons why I hate little kids. They do stupid stuff like try and hit trees with apples and oranges. And do you know what always happens? They miss the tree. And, you know what else happens? They always manage to hit the Super Fickle Pickle. And, do they come over and apologize? No. Do they offer to buy the Super Fickle Pickle ice cream after pelting her in the head? No. But do you know what they always do? Run in the opposite direction. So this is why I hate little kids. And, this is the reason why I am investing in an apple and orange grove. To peg them in the head before they peg me.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Get out of the Left Lane! Academic Tutor Coming through
Why is it whenever I am late for work as an academic tutor, I always have to share the road with some fool who insists on going two miles an hour in a thirty five mile an hour zone. To top it off, this same dummy has to drive in the left lane!
Did you miss the memo from the DMV? Did the DMV forget to mail you the real driver’s manual? So, let me break this down to you! Page one of the DMV manual would tell you to not drive in the left lane if you drive slower than most people walk! Do not drive in the left lane if you see people zooming past you in the right lane! Do not drive in the left lane if you see snails and ants laughing at you as they pass you!
The right lanes are for people who drive at least the speed limit. The left lane is for those who go at least 10 miles over the speed limit. If you want to drive ten miles an hour, go to a golf course and drive a golf cart.
Some people actually have annoying academic tutoring clients to meet.
Did you miss the memo from the DMV? Did the DMV forget to mail you the real driver’s manual? So, let me break this down to you! Page one of the DMV manual would tell you to not drive in the left lane if you drive slower than most people walk! Do not drive in the left lane if you see people zooming past you in the right lane! Do not drive in the left lane if you see snails and ants laughing at you as they pass you!
The right lanes are for people who drive at least the speed limit. The left lane is for those who go at least 10 miles over the speed limit. If you want to drive ten miles an hour, go to a golf course and drive a golf cart.
Some people actually have annoying academic tutoring clients to meet.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Dedicated to the Hollywood Bouncer
Dedicated to the Hollywood Bouncer
Bouncers in Hollywood believe that they are so important because for five hours a day they make crucial and life changing decisions that regularly affect the world. After all, deciding who will get into a club is almost as important as protecting our streets from criminals, right?
You are not important if after work, you go home to a studio apartment, hanging off the 101 freeway with a cracked window and a 90 year old manager. If you drive to the club in a 1971 Pinto with a missing front and back fender you are not important. If you have to start your car with a screwdriver, then you are not that important in the world. Important people are important 24 hours a day. You are semi important for maybe four. The other hours in the day, you spend sleeping, avoiding late notices from the gas company, eating baloney sandwiches, and scratching yourself.
A bouncer is one of the few jobs out there where all you need is a first grade education and a criminal record to be successful. The only prerequisite is that you can read names off a guest list, stand in front of a dingy rope for 5 hours looking like a constipated bulldog, flirt with girls completely out of your league, and kick out folks who puke on the dance floor. That’s it. You weren’t hired to find a cure for AIDS and you aren’t the commander of an army. It's time to realize you aren’t that important.
Bouncers in Hollywood believe that they are so important because for five hours a day they make crucial and life changing decisions that regularly affect the world. After all, deciding who will get into a club is almost as important as protecting our streets from criminals, right?
You are not important if after work, you go home to a studio apartment, hanging off the 101 freeway with a cracked window and a 90 year old manager. If you drive to the club in a 1971 Pinto with a missing front and back fender you are not important. If you have to start your car with a screwdriver, then you are not that important in the world. Important people are important 24 hours a day. You are semi important for maybe four. The other hours in the day, you spend sleeping, avoiding late notices from the gas company, eating baloney sandwiches, and scratching yourself.
A bouncer is one of the few jobs out there where all you need is a first grade education and a criminal record to be successful. The only prerequisite is that you can read names off a guest list, stand in front of a dingy rope for 5 hours looking like a constipated bulldog, flirt with girls completely out of your league, and kick out folks who puke on the dance floor. That’s it. You weren’t hired to find a cure for AIDS and you aren’t the commander of an army. It's time to realize you aren’t that important.
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